Divine Nine

Hamlet:
What a piece of work is a man, how noble in reason, how
infinite in faculties, in form and moving how express and
admirable, in action how like an angel, in apprehension how like
a god! the beauty of the world, the paragon of animals—and yet,
to me, what is this quintessence of dust? Man delights not me—
nor woman neither, though by your smiling you seem to say so.~Shakespeare~

Divine Nine

So what’s up with the quote at the beginning of this post. Nothing, I just thought it was nice. Loves me some Hamlet. No but seriously I’m here to talk about heroes. Not just any heroes, but the ones you find in romance. You see I’ve come up with a list of nine men you might find when cracking open a romance(come to think of it you might find these men in LIFE in general). Why not women? Well, maybe that will be my next post. I’m here to present nine different heroes. That’s right, I believe there are nine. If you think there are more, well tell me about it. They may come in different shapes, sizes, and colors but at the heart of the matter they make up the divine nine.

1. Mr. Wonderful
2. Mr. Badass
3. Mr. Confused
4. Mr. Shy
5. Mr. Caveman
6. Mr. Pincushion
7. Mr. Evol
8. Mr. TSTL
9. Mr. E

Mr. Wonderful

I will start with Mr. Wonderful. You may see him most often in the romance genre. He is perfect. He is handsome, available, muscled, educated, well-spoken. *insert sigh here* Oddly enough I find this guy the least bit interesting. Where are his flaws? Someone find a pimple on his ass or something. You know how his story will go. He’ll meet the girl, put on his charm, snag her, bag her, and nine months later she’s preggo. The End. Good riddance.

Occupational hazard: Lawyer, doctor, dentist, veterinarian, CEO

Mr. Badass

*insert evil grin here* I like him. *pats head* Mr. Badass is probably still handsome, intelligent, available, OR he might be banging his next door neighbor, the girl at Rite Mart, AND the ticket ripper at the local theater. He’s going to get into trouble. He’s going to curse. He’s going to growl and complain and roll his eyes and maybe hurt your feelings. He’ll be selfish (a little). He’s the do-things-his-way (which usually means breaking rules) hero. He’ll find the girl, sleep with her sister, apologize and put on some Berry White. Snag her. Bag her. And shove some birth control pills in her hand. Hey, he’s not done riding his Harley and he’ll be damned if he’s driving a minivan with a baby car seat just now. AnyHOO at the end of the day Mr.Badass does the right thing.

Occupational Hazard: Tattoo Artist, Construction Worker, Bartender, Repair Shop Owner, Professional Jewelry Thief





Mr. Confused

He doesn’t know whether he’s coming or going. He doesn’t know if he wants to be married or remain a bachelor. He can’t even remember where he left his briefcase this morning. Mr. Confused is probably handsome. (Aren’t they all?). He’s working a boring nine-to-five until he figures out what he wants to do with his life. Mr. Confused might even be that guy who dates women when he really is attracted to men. We see that a lot in gay fiction. He doesn’t want to be ostracized by the public but his heart just isn’t into the fairer sex. You will most likely have your heart wrenched for Mr. Confused. He goes through a lot of trials and tribulations before he ends up with Mr or Mrs. Right.

Occupational Hazard: Office assistant, Clerk, College Kid, Photographer





Mr. Shy

“He blushed. His cheeks flushed. He ducked his head. His hand trembled. He dropped his keys and then kicked them under the car. He was nervous. His stomach flip-flopped.” What are these, you ask? Well, these are all reading cues that let you know you are dealing with Mr. Shy. He’s a very popular hero to use in gay fiction. Hell, I like to use him myself. Most het fiction won’t use a guy like this because, well, Mr. Badass or Mr. Wonderful and even Mr. Cavemen are hotter when it comes to heating up ze bedroom. Mr. Shy might also be a geek, whipcord thin, maybe even effeminate or androgynous. He’ll get the girl. (by accident) or he’ll get the guy, because the guy will be pursuing him.

Occupational Hazard: Artist, Computer Techie, College Student, Engineer

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Mr. Caveman

Meet Crug. He’s one step away from bopping you on the head and dragging you off to his cave. You love to hate this guy, and though you’re sure the heroine should shoot him in the leg, you still *swoon* when he tells her she’s his woman. Mr. Caveman is a combination of Mr. Wonderful (smart, handsome, successful, muscular) but he has all the characteristics of Mr. Badass. (Dominant, smug, bossy) He just gets away with it because he’s handsome. Mr. Crug…I mean, Mr. Caveman will have his happily ever after because his super sperm will get Mrs. Caveman pregnant and they’ll live happily ever after.

Occupational Hazard: Caveman, Soldier, Firefighter, CEO, Inherited Wealth (Secretive business)

Mr. Pincushion

Hey, can I have twenty bucks? Yeah, this guy will give you his last two cents. He’s the caretaker who inadvertently became everyone’s walking mat. He thinks everyone is his friend. He’s a handsome, likeable guy, OR he might just be average looking but intelligent or wealthy. You feel so bad for Mr. Pincushion but on the other hand you want to smack the hell out of him and tell him to grow a spine. Mr. Pin will eventually find his happily ever after. It could be with Mrs. Right or Mrs. Loving, OR a Dom named Jackal who beats the snot out of all the people taking advantage of him.

Occupational Hazard: Accountant, Doctor, Teacher, Musician, Inherited Wealth, Manager, Store Owner, Scientist

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Mr. Evol

He’s not a hero! Course not. He’s not like Mr. Badass at all. He’ll steal lollipops from babies and push little old ladies to the back of the line. He’s handsome (You knew that was coming) with higher than average intelligence (how else do you think he avoided the police) Mr. Evol is selfish, greedy, stubborn, and seemingly unstoppable. He’s also VERY rare as a protagonist. Who’ll ever love this black-hearted scoundrel? Well, apparently, there is such a thing as redemption. There is always a loophole that wins Mr. Evol into the hearts of others. Take Robin Hood for example: He stole from the rich and gave to the poor. Hey, but he wasn’t evil you say to yourself, right? Right. That’s why I spelled it Evol, its short for Evolution. Yeah, I just made that up. Mr. Evol goes through an evolution in the book. He starts off being a selfish black-hearted scoundrel (I really love that phrase) but he ends up changing his ways. Maybe he gives the fat ruby he stole to an orphanage. It usually takes the stubborn will of a good-hearted heroine OR hero to help him change his ways. On the rare occasion Mr. Evol goes from good to bad. Either way this character is evolutionary and bound for a happy ending—or, some time in prison. *shrugs*

Occupational Hazard: Thief, Drug-Lord, Kingpin, Assassin, Pirate, Mercenary









Mr. TSTL (too stupid to live)

Burn this after reading. That’s what Mr. TSTL makes you want to do to your book. If he were a hero he’d be the one who showed up to rescue the woman in the burning building after she’d thrown a mattress out the window and rescued herself. If the answer is obvious Mr. TSTL will never comprehend it. He’s prone to misunderstandings. He whines. He does a lot of introspection and still comes up with a big fat nothing. Mr.TSTL pisses the heroine or hero off with his sheer stupidity and thoughtlessness. To be fair he isn’t a bad guy, just not the brightest light bulb in the bunch. By some freak of nature he gets a HFN or a HEA. You’ll probably care less though.

Occupational Hazard: In the interest of being diplomatic I won’t fill in an occupation here.





Mr. E

Holy Cow! I’m almost done. Mr. E is a ‘mystery’ you get it? J (I was tired when I wrote this. Don’t blame me) Anyway, Mr. E is not someone you’d expect. He’s not the typical hero. He might be overweight, handicapped, or a freaking shapeshifter. Mr. E is here to shake things up. He’ll never do what you expect of him. He’s a wicked combination of almost all the Misters I’ve mentioned so far. If Mr. E was a superhero he’d probably be the antihero turned hero, turned antihero again. Mr. E’s job is to be mysterious and standoffish. He’s the man you want to know more about. He’s the one the town calls a murderer when in reality his best friend died in a car accident. Contrary to popular belief, Mr. E did not strangle him to death. Mr. E might be a killer on the gossip mills but later you find out he’s a retired veterinarian that still takes in animals. Mr. E might also be a mountain man who’s gruff on the outside, but has a heart of gold. If Mr. E finds Mr. or Mrs. Right it isn’t because he went out looking. His other half will have to come to him.

Occupational Hazard: It’s a Mr. E. (You SO knew I was gonna say that.)